The Blues

Life was so rocky this year. I started 2015 not knowing what the hell I was doing or going-- but don't get me wrong! I still feel that way, I'm just more optimistic and hopeful towards whichever path I'm heading. Before, I was so heavy with burdens and depressing thoughts and feelings due to the things revolving around me. It was almost suffocating because I had to suppress these emotions from people, friends and family. I didn't know how to formulate my anxiety into words or even who to trust and tell my thoughts to. It was a strange, dark and awful feeling, one that I hope to never explore again. But because of it I can now give testimonies to the wonders and miracles God has been known to perform. 

I was at a stand-still, immobile and undetermined to move through life again but my circumstances were completely turned around and I was given "new legs" to adventure through life once more. I was at my lowest--physically, mentally and spiritually--yet God still chose to love and shower me with His affection and care. I've not been one to doubt God. I specifically remember being in my pre-teens and vowing to never blame anything on God nor to hate Him. And I've kept that promise ever since. However in early 2015, doubts began to cloud me. I found myself questioning His timing and whether or not I'd receive my blessing(s) on time. I was too focused on when and not on working on my receiving end to be a better follower of faith and express gratitude. I have always been an impatient individual. I'm very much the "now or never, do or die" type of girl. The one always tapping her foot and looking at the clock, first to be ready to leave and move on to the next thing. Summer of 2015, I was on the slowest rollercoaster of my life, riding the wavy ups and lows of deciding which university to attend and how to fund it. I was not myself. I remember not being able to get up in the morning from my bed because I was filled with so much anxiety way before my day could even start. I was an unstable mess but in the end, it was a test to my faith to God. Throughout it all I never cursed Him or myself, I just had to run my faith and loyalty a little longer than I wanted. Eventually, creases began to smooth out and I was given the best blessing in life: an opportunity to study in a well-refined university. And since that day, I've learned that patience is a virtue and so often in my own case, the key to success. It's a trait I'm trying to master and appreciate. I notice that when I practice patience, whether in academics, art, relationships, etc, I gain so much! It's so hard to do at times but I'm constantly reminded of my spiritual breakthrough and re-motivated once more.

I'm not sure if I'm on a new path or simply looking at it from a better perspective. Everything seems possible now. My only obstacle is fear. I'm afraid of so many possibilities becoming a reality. Over the years, my fears have intensified and have been obstacles to my inner growth and block from prospering to my full potential. I feel if I wasn't so afraid and anxious all the time, I'd have the courage and confidence to put myself out there. I'd showcase my artwork more. I'd pursue in the arts more. I'd reach out to people and try to love deeper. I'd say "no" more often and much louder. I'd tell people they're loved without feeling bashful because I know what it's like to feel as if I'm not important. There's so much I know I'm capable of accomplishing but there's this blind tape over me that keeps insisting I'm just being silly, naive or I'm too incompetent for such thoughts. It's not an easy thing to overcome but I'm letting this brilliant moment in my life (college) allow for doors to open and moments to come my way that give me that space to be who I am. I don't want this disadvantage to doom or overwhelm me back into the feelings of doubt again. I know it's something I have to overcome or I won't see my dreams become tangible. I'm done with pain and hopelessness. I'm ready for a journey through positivity.